Andy

try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. she’s sick and she probably does not like the changes any more than you do. imagine if she just found this online, and knew it was you, imagine how hurt she’d be, don’t you think she’d already be self-conscious about how she looks now?

and didn’t you take a vow going along the lines of "for sicker and for worse"

my grandmother has this disease, so i’m talking from experience when i say she has no control over what this disease is going to do…

and my the way, i do think that you’re a dog

I do feel for you . I guess my only thought is (and take this with a grain of salt – i’ve been dodging the marriage bullet my whole life):

She didn’t ask to get sick – or do something wrong to get sick…likewise, you didn’t ask for a sick wife.

Bottom line is you both signed up for this when you married eachother. You both knew this was a possibility, and took your vows anyway.

I think you both get the hand that either one of you is dealt. You are in an "if your spouse lost both their legs" type of situation. You both get the lifestyle – and help eachother through it.

You are not a bad guy – i think you are having some very normal – albeit selfish feelings. Selfish because she has the immune deficiency, she has gained the weight, she has to stay home, and she can’t orgasm and all of your comments above are how this is happening to you….again – i am guessing very normal feelings for someone in your position – and for dealing with it for as long as you have.

Anyway – this is when you band together – necessity is the root of all invention – where there is a will, theres a way – and all that crap – go hiking and fishing with friends, take pictures, bring them back to show her so she can experience it also. Find things she CAN do rather than focusing on what she can’t. Go on road trips – she’ll be tired but it will be a full life for her.

You can do it man. You are getting a crappy case scenario for sure – you can still have a full life too – half the battle is attitude, the other half is motivation. Good luck.

You should also check out http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx
They have an online community and it looks like support groups as well.

It’s completely understandable that you feel frustrated and even angry with the situation. Neither of you asked for it or were prepared for it. Have the two of you gotten marital counseling? No marriage is so strong that it doesn’t need counseling from time to time, and given the extreme frustration in your tone I would say that you definitely should look into it. If you continue to allow these feelings to build up without vent, you will eventually come to resent your wife and will probably leave – and that, my friend, would make you a complete jerk (just to speak honestly).

Are you and your wife sharing your feelings? It’s okay to tell her what you miss and what you’re upset about. It’s okay to let her know what you’re thinking, because otherwise you’ll just drift farther apart. The beauty of marriage is that despite the fact that you are guaranteed to have terrible, terrible experiences, you get to share them together and comfort each other. Your wife deserves to know how you feel and to be allowed the privilege of comforting you. There is something healing in sacrificing for someone else and seeing them sacrifice in turn for you.

It’s okay to be angry and to wish that things were different. But then let it go. Accept your life for what it is and move on to what other joys are available to you. Don’t punish yourself or your wife for what neither of you can control. Instead, read books about people who have survived the odds (I would suggest "Sing Me to Heaven" by Margaret Peterson about a woman who married her husband with the knowledge of his terminal illness) and look for support from others. Find new activities that the two of you can enjoy together or make compromises.

Marriage is such a blessed, wonderful experience, but it takes hard work no matter what the circumstances. I wish you the strength and fortitude to handle your situation with love, maturity, and integrity (and know that I’m also praying for you).

On the more practical side of things: What kind of help is your wife getting? There are meds that can address some of the MS symptoms, if not the fatigue. People with MS actually have an aggressive immune systems, so if your wife is constantly coming down with something, her weakened immune system could be caused by her medicine – also something to look into?

If she’s not getting flu shots, then do encourage her to do so. One bout of flu can leave a person with MS completely drained of energy for 3-5 months (happened to me last year).

Time-management can also help dealing with MS fatigue. I also can’t help noticing that your wife seems afraid that you will leave her and that she seems quite passive, so please make sure she’s not suffering from depression. Depression will also leave a person fatigued.

Finally, her being overweight is not helping her general welbeing. Is there any way, you could help her loose weight?

All the best to the both of you.